That's what I am doing these days. My life is full of excuses, looks the other way and ignorance.
I am no longer accountable to anyone other than myself. The contest at work is over (although we do keep talking about a new one) and the program at the gym has finished up. Now it's all up to me. That's not good. Why? Because I will let myself continue to spiral downward. Why? Because it's easy. Easy is my way of life. Why? Because it's what I have always done. It's what I am used to. I think maybe easy is so important to me because I am so heavy and things take so much effort that I need easy as much as possible.
Today I got so frustrated with myself that I thought - that's it...lapband. Screw waiting for July 1st. Get it done. Then I got scared. I don't want the lapband. I don't want the possible complications that come with it. I don't want the cost that comes with it. I don't want people to believe that I was successful because of the band.
How do you make yourself do something?? It's so simple. Limit my intake to 1800 calories and move 30 minutes every day. That's it. There are so many ways you can diet, but if I would follow these 2 simple rules every day with no other restrictions, I would lose weight. And yet, every day I come up with excuses not to do it. I was good last week, but tapered off at night and went over here and there (not worrying about being too strict). Then on Friday we went out to dinner and I blew it. When I blow it on Friday night, I always blow it over the weekend. ALWAYS. Then I didn't get back on Monday because Tuesday was Bunko and I wanted to eat then. Today I just didn't feel like it.
I know in my heart that my quality of life would be so greatly improved if I would give my program the attention that it deserves. I need to be very strict myself and follow the 2 simple rules EVERY day. Period. I am so damn lax about this. It drives me crazy! Again...How do you make yourself do something??
I was happy when I got married. I weighed 215. That was 124 lbs ago. It makes me sad that in 14 years I have just ballooned up. 124 lbs...that's what some people weigh. I never imagined this for myself.
I hate my new picture, but my old one was from 2002. What a joke, that's not me anymore, the new one is. That's me at my best. :(
5 comments:
Sandi, my heart goes out to you because I know how you're struggling right now. ((hugs))
'How do you make yourself do something' you ask? Honestly, you can't make yourself do something that - in your heart - you don't want to do. Until you want it more than anything - more than even food - it just won't happen. You can't force yourself to lose weight and neither can anyone else. It has to be a WANT that comes from deep inside of you. It has to be a fire that burns inside of you and you have to be so focused that nothing will stop you.
Dr. Phil says that you aren't ready to lose weight until the pain of being overweight outweighs the pleasure of eating. Do you think you're there yet? I know that being overweight gives you a lot of physical and psychological pain - but does the pleasure of eating still win out?
No answers, Sandi, but I'm sad to read the pain that's in your post. Just know that no matter what you decide to do or not do, we love you and will always support you.
Sandi – I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you. What you are going through is something that I can relate to because I’ve gone through it myself many times. I know it can be discouraging to work so hard only to let one bad day here, or two bad days there destroy all your work for the week. But I also know that as long as you are trying, you are still better off than you would be if you didn’t try at all. I can only imagine how much I would weigh now if I didn’t keep trying year after year, month after month or day after day.
As far as your July 1st lapband deadline – why don’t you turn it up a notch? I know you’ve done the research, but actually making an appointment, sitting down and talking with the doctor may give you further insight to what is in store for you if you decide have the lapband procedure. And it will make it more real – until you sit down with the doctor that could possibly handle the procedure it remains more of a dream or a fantasy.
I’m sure you realize this, but just in case you don’t….if you do have the lapband procedure the people that know you and know how hard you have struggled the last few years would never shrug off your weight loss as being “successful because of the band”. It takes hard work to lose weight no matter what tools and resources we use.
Hi Sandi. I know exactly what you are going through. I do and say and think all the same things. I want so much to lose weight and I make all these great plans and then just can't follow through. My health has started to suffer. For many years I could pretend that being overweight didn't affect me but now I can't. I'm having health problems but still it doesn't seem to be enough motivation to lose weight. I'm waiting for my insurance company to come through with paying for a medication called Meridia, I'm hoping it will help a little.
Taking off on something Meg said about eating being pleasurable. For me it isn't. I can't say that there are many time when I'm happy to be eating, most of the time I eat like a robot, I'm not even aware of it. A lot of my bad habits stem from eating when I am bored, reading or watching tv. I don't guess that for me the pain of being overweight has made me be more aware of these bad habits when I am actually doing them.
About the WLS...you are afraid of the side effects of surgery...what about the side effects of being overweight and the fact that you know your quality of life and life expectancy may be shorten because of being overweight. Sandi, you may not remember this but I am a RN and I have seen overweight elderly women in the hospital and frankly it would bring you to tears if you knew what they went through. I wish it were enough to motivate me to lose weight but I think I'm still in denial over it or I've seen it too much to have that much of an effect. I agree with what Melissa says, start the paperwork for the WLS surgery now, it may be months down the road before everything is in place and even then you may change your mind if you've found something else that works for you.
I know this was a few years ago but whatever happened to the promise you made to your son? You want to be around to see him grow up to be a great person and you want to be a role model for him so he doesn't grow up to be an obese child, teenager and adult and suffer through all the crap you know comes along with it? That is one of the few things I am grateful for, my own son is normal weight, very active and loves his fruits and veggies, also that even though I may not be the best role model that I can still stick to my guns and not give him a bunch of junk food to show him how much I love him.
Best wishes Sandi with whatever you decide to do, we're rooting for you!
Jen
Beautiful Sandi, seems uncanny that I ended up here today! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))) I totally get how you're feeling. The whole thing with DH and such has left me back at square zero...and I managed to gain 22 pounds along the way. GASP! I just don't know why I've lost that drive that Meg mentioned...or how to push it back into place! It's so frustrating because I've done this for several years now and I KNOW it works AND that I actually enjoy that way of life! I didn't feel deprived...but some devil in my head wants me to think that it is deprivation. *sigh* I hate the pscyhological aspects of all this.
But Meg, that immensely wise (but physically small! ;) ) woman is totally right. We won't do it until we want to. Remember your quote...you're (and I'm) still finding excuses, so you don't really want it yet.
What would happen, do you think, if we took the time to feed our souls with what they really want, instead of food? Would we stop seeing food as more pleasurable?
Love you tons no matter what...and know that I can see tons of beauty in your new picture...I can see the Sandi I know, and she's an AMAZING, wonderful woman!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
I think you took the thoughts right out of my own head... I'm exactly where you are right now. Hugs to you. But just know, our day is going to come when we say ENOUGH and it will be full speed ahead. OK?
By the way, I don't think you look so bad in that pic. I see a beautiful womman, smiling face, pretty eyes and a really cute haircut!
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