I have always believed that I would be able to overcome this weight and loss it on my own once and for all. I believed this when I was in my late teens and only weighed 175. I believed it when I joined Jenny Craig at 205 in my early 20's. I believed it when I got married at 215, and so on. Here I sit, 38, going on 39 and I weigh 335. I have been fighting a losing battle for over 20 years. I used to start different diets, I'd do Weight Watchers, Atkins, Jenny Craig. When I started to feel like I feel, I'd start a different diet and believe that this time was "it". It never was. For the past couple years, I haven't bothered switching from calorie counting. The other ways for me just end up being a complete waste of money. After all, it doesn't matter what plan you are on, all that matters is that you work the plan. Which I don't and that's the problem. I have been dieting for 20 years and have gained 160 lbs. And remember, it's not like I ever lose a ton. I lose 10 - 15 lbs and then quickly gain it all back. Twice I have lost 40 lbs and once 25. Not fabulous results. Something MUST change.
Last night I started to wonder when enough would be enough? I have always said that Weight Loss surgery wasn't for me because what good would it do if I couldn't fix my head? Well, now I am thinking, what good is it going to do if I'm dead? I am sitting on a time bomb and when it goes off, it'll be too late to make any decisions. I don't want to have WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) but I also don't want to die. I am wondering if WLS would give me the leg up that I need. An initial weight loss to get me on the right track. I know that WLS is just a tool and afterwards, I still have to eat a healthy diet and exercise. But my hope is that it's just enough to get me on the losing track. My biggest fear is that I would go through all the trials and tribulations of the surgery only to not do what I am supposed to and still be heavy, unhealthy or dead. I am not so much afraid of the surgery itself as I am that I would ultimately still not do what I need to. And then comes the question of lap-band of gastric? Lap-band is less invasive, you have a quicker recovery time and you have fewer problems with absorption of your minerals. But, it has lesser results than gastric.
Steve is less than thrilled about the idea of WLS. He's a good man, but in his heart he just doesn't know why I can't just stick to a plan and lose the weight. I have 200 lbs to lose, but even getting off 50 or 100 would be such an improvement. I know he'll support me, but I don't want to lose him in the process. Day in and day out, it's always about weight loss. And yet there never is any. That must getting pretty frustrating, pretty old and pretty boring.
I hate the idea of putting my family through all this. The surgery, the recovery. But what I hate even more is being dead or sick due to my obesity. It's been the same shit different day for 20 years. This MUST stop.
I have many close friends over at 3FC who have managed to lose the weight on their own. Hundreds of pounds. I want so much to be like them and just do it on my own, but I am not sure that I believe that is a viable choice anymore. If not WLS, I need something. A program. I would do optifast if I had the money to, but I don't.
None of this is even an option if insurance won't pay for it, so that's where I need to begin. Is it covered by insurance? I think I inquired once and you have to have something submitted by a doctor before they would consider it.
UPDATE 2: I sure have alot to say today. Before my vacation I ahd mentioned that Patti from work was going to get me some sessions with a professional hypnosis guy. Guess what - she did! She has already done 2.5 hours of work with him and gave me his card and I need to make an appointment with him for a analysis of what I need (Boy, is he in for it!!). They are closed on Wednesdays so I will call tomorrow and see how soon I can get in. All this exciting stuff!!! I will try the hypnosis (because she cared enough to set it up) and if it doesn't work, it's off to WLS for me!
4 comments:
Sandi - that must have been a hard post to write. One of the many things I admire about you is that you're brutally honest with yourself. And sweetie, you were honest!
Yes, it's time for something. Too many people need you and love you and aren't ready to lose you yet. If WLS is the answer, you know you'll get 100% support from your friends. We're here for you whenever, however we can help.
There isn't any shame in admitting that you need help. If this is the help you need, then do it! ((huges))
Sandi, it can take months to get the go ahead to have the surgery so why not get the ball rolling with the paperwork, you can always change your mind later if you want. A really good site is www.obesityhelp.com (I think that is the proper address) or please check out www.onefatbitchypoo.com (definately a great site about a woman who has lost a ton of weight, gained it back and then had the surgery and has lost over 100 lbs in 6 months (oh I wish that were me!)). This is an issue I've been struggling with for awhile as well. Geez, it isn't rocket science, we are intelligent women, why can't we do this seemingly simple thing? Still there comes a time when we have to admit we need help and this may be what you need. I think you would do really well with the surgery and wouldn't gain the weight back. It is just a matter of getting used to eating smaller portions and practically no sugar or fat than what you are used to eating.
Sandi! I found you!!
My heart breaks for you because I do know how badly you want it and I also know it can be difficult for people to understand that its not always possible to do something "on your own" even though it may be what you desperately want.
I'm going to trust your judgement. If you feel you've given every diet and plan a fair shake and are at a loss what to do, then perhaps surgery should be a serious consideration. You're right about having to fix your head and not just your body, but that's something you can work on during the whole recovery and adjustment process.
As Meg said, there's a lot of support for you, whatever choice you make. We certainly know surgery isn't the easy way out and that its a big decision, but you're right, when it becomes a life or death situation, something's gotta give, baby.
Always here for you! xox
It may not be the end all cure all, and it's still exceptionally hard work, but maybe, just maybe it could give you the leverage you need to finally get this under control once and for all. It's not a failure hon, it's a chance.
Yes, it's scary, but isn't all change scary? The point is, you know the outcome if you keep on like you are. But with this? Wow, just imagine the possibilities! Yes, there are risks involved, but are they any greater than the risks involved with not taking this chance?
My personal vote is for lap-band. Not so evasive or drastic, and knowing that this is a tool rather than a cure, I see no need to permanently restructure the way your body works.
Do the research, talk to Steve, and decide for yourself what's best for you.
That's awesome about the hypnosis! I'm interested to hear how it goes, could end up being really helpful!
Bev
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