When I woke this morning, I wanted doughnuts. Not just any doughnuts, Jewel doughnuts. White cake doughnut with chocolate frosting and little chocolate shavings. Yep, that's what I wanted. Why I was craving them, well, PMS or maybe the french fries I had with dinner last night. Hard to say. So this morning was spent doing lots of self talk about how I didn't need them and I thought we were actually going to do it this time. I had talked myself out of them. I was going to let myself have an egg mcMuffin. Still a treat, but only 300 calories and not all the fat and sugar. Somewhere on the way to daycare, I dismissed myself and decided to get the doughnuts. Normally, I simply wouldn't have the time, but today I didn't have to be to work until 8:00 am. So I actually bought the doughnuts and a skim milk (thank goodness for that habit). When I was at the check-out what did I do...bought a candy bar. See, this is why I can't give myslef an inch. I will take a mile. It's not bad enough that I had doughnuts when I know better, had to throw in a candy bar. Why do I do this? Why when I am doing so good, do I go off plan? And at such a dangerous time, right before vacation. Maybe this is why people have the surgery. To take away the choice. But from what I understand that only lasts so long and then it's back up to you. What good does the surgery do me if my head isn't right? I wonder if I am fooling myself by not having the surgery? Fooling myself into believing that I will actually meet my goal all on my own. 14 years ago I weighed 215. Now I am 331. The most I have ever lost at one time is 40 lbs and I quickly gained that back with interest. I start programs all the time, but never last very long and then I quickly gain back what I had lost. What is to say that surgery would be any different?
I was talking to Patti from work and somehow we got on the subject of weight. I think it was the laughable comment she got from me when she suggested we go canoeing on our vacation. I told her I didn't think my big butt would fit in a canoe. She said you know what, I am going to barter for you. She is going to do some computer work for a hypnotist (he is supposed to be some life coach/certified hypnotist kinda guy) and she will barter with him to get me a session. "We're worried about you" she says. Ok, let's analyze that comment. "we're" means many people..."worried" means conversation. So many people at work are having conversations about me. Grrreeeaaaat. I don't even know if I can mentally go there. I really like it in my happy little world with my head in the sand. I don't want to think that people at work talk about me. I mean I guess I know everyone talks about everyone, but I'd just rather not know. And if they are worried about me, that means the conversations were not positive!
So I guess the game plan is to not let today ruin what I have going here. It's one day. I still have a choice to let it be one day or let it drag on. I still have a choice...I still have a choice...I still have a choice...
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3 comments:
Sandi, if the people you work with are 'worried' about you, it's because they love you and care about you (like we all do!) It's a positive thing! I'm sure no one's gossiping or making fun of you. Like it or not, those of us with eating issues can't hide our problems/addictions and people are going to see them - after all, we WEAR them! And yeah, people are going to worry when they see us hurting ourselves.
OK, the doughnuts and candy bar are over and it's time to move on. That's history and all that counts is what you do NOW. This is NOT a reason to quit your diet -- nope, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and KEEP GOING! C'mon Sandi - you can do this! Don't give up what you want MOST for what you want at the moment.
I want to check in tomorrow morning and hear how well the rest of your day went. :)
Love ya!
Yikes, criiiiinge! People talking-I HATE that! I'm with you; I can't handle the realization that I've been the subject of any conversation that I wasn't a part of, ick!
But, of course, Meg's right. They worry cuz they care. Cringe anyway!
As you well know, I'm right there with you in the "why do I do this" arena. I wish I had the answers cuz it certainly makes no sense. But what ever our "reasons", it doesn't really matter, it's the choices we make in spite/because of these reasons that makes all the difference. It's an addiction Sandi; we have to treat the illness to get better. An alcoholic can't just say, "I'll only drink a little." It doesn't work that way. This is something we're going to have to consciously work at every single day for the rest of our lives. Some days will be successful, others won't. That's life. But we keep trying because we DO have the choice. (((hugs))) honey, tomorrow is a new day, your next meal is another chance to get it right. You can do this, you CAN do this.
Love ya!
Bev
I am so in the same boat with you. Ilost 36 pounds to regain 27 so I feel your pain. But look at the steps forward you were honest and posted this digression. We are all in this tipsy canoe :) together. We can do this together!!!
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