I still have my head in the sand about my weight and my health. I know it needs desperate help and although I give it lots of lip service, I don't really make any changes to my diet or exercise. So I wonder what it will take to make me pull my head out of the sand and realize who and what I am. Because I can still get ready, go to work, take care of Jacob & Steve and do what needs to be done, I let myself think that things are fine. But they are NOT!!
- I have such hard time going up and down the stairs at home.
- Doing simple things like dishes wears me out
- When I teach I sweat like a PIG! It's gross and embarassing!
- When I teach a lot, my feet and legs hurt
- My pants are too short and my stomach hangs out of my shirts
- I barely fit in the car behind the steering wheel
- I need a table at all restaurants
- Sex is well...not what it used to be
OK, I want you to step into my skin for today and feel what it’s like to be me. You with me? You see, I used to think it was all about how I’d look when I got to 135 pounds. I never realized that the pay-off is how good I FEEL. So if you can walk around in my (sweaty gym) shoes for one day, I guarantee that nothing in this world will stop you from losing the rest of the weight.
Here we go!
It’s 4:30 AM and I wake up before the alarm, bursting with energy. I need a lot less sleep now than I did 122 pounds ago. I never dreamed that I could feel so good! The first thing that goes through my mind every day is — woo hoo! I did it! I’m not fat anymore! To me now, every morning is Christmas morning; every day is the best day of my life.
I jump out of bed, make coffee, and throw on my gym clothes. That’s a huge change from before, when I was allergic to exercise. I’m at the gym when it opens and do my cardio for the day, listening to music with a great beat. I notice how much faster and more intensely I can go now than when I was heavy and every day I try to do a little more than the day before. That endorphin rush is a great way to start the day — I’m always so jazzed when I walk out of the gym.
Back home to breakfast: oatmeal and chocolate protein powder. The way I eat now and the way I used to eat are like night and day. No more sugar highs and crashes, no more feeling bloated, no more hating myself and feeling controlled by food. I plan my meals for the day and enter them into Fitday.
Then the usual Mom stuff and household stuff. It’s so cool to fly up and down the stairs without having to stop and catch my breath or having my knees and feet hurt. I get my chores done in about half the time it used to take. I love the feeling of being strong just while doing the everyday tasks of life: taking out the trash, carrying the laundry upstairs, hefting the 20# box of kitty litter.
And then the highlight of my day: back to the gym for weights. The gym was the scariest, most alien place in the world for me when I was heavy and now it’s home. I love lifting weights and love the muscles and the look they give me. I used to be afraid to look in the mirrors at the gym (you know how the walls are lined with mirrors) - now I catch a glimpse of myself and marvel at the stranger who’s looking back at me. How could this be me? I spent all my life as the fat girl and now I have toned arms and little hips. I walk out of the gym on , knowing that I've pushed myself to my limits as I worked to build my best body. Lifting weights has taught me that I have strength and endurance and discipline that I never imagined and it carries over to all other aspects of my life. I know that I’m capable of anything that I set my mind to doing.
Let’s stop and do some clothes shopping on the way home, OK? I walk in and bypass the plus sizes and head for all the pretty clothes in the regular sizes. I don’t have to shop for camouflage anymore — no more big T-shirts to hide the butt or long sleeves to cover the jiggle. No more elastic waists or towels strategically covering up my bathing suit. I can look at crop tops and low-rise pants, beautiful (and sexy) lingerie, and tank tops. I see something that I want to try on and look for it in a 4 or a small(which can be hard to find). Now stand in my shoes with me in the dressing room and hold up a pair of jeans in size 4. They’ll never fit, right? They’re WAY too tiny — I used to look at small sizes and think that no one could have a butt small enough to fit in those. But they slide right up over my hips and fit perfectly (no sucking in the gut). The problem with clothes shopping when I was fat was that nothing looked good. The problem now is that too much looks good — hard on the old budget.
Back home, normal life. My dinner’s different from the rest of my family’s but it doesn’t bother me or them a bit. And then to bed, knowing that I physically feel better than I ever have in my life. But more than just how good I feel is the knowledge that I did it! It took me 47 years, but I finally got rid of the fat that weighed down every aspect of my life. There’s no better feeling in the world.
Losing weight — and more importantly — keeping it off is hard work and it’s a job that we’ll have to do for the rest of our lives. It takes sweat, hard work, planning, and self-discipline. You know what to do; like you said, the elements are habit now. But trust me, the pay-off at the end of road is far, far better than you can imagine.
That's the life I want. That's the life I need. How do I pull my head out of the sand and take it?
4 comments:
When you feel like you're so far on the outside looking in, it sure is difficult to imagine yourself as a "Meg", isn't it?
Okay, there is nothing that could make me spring out of bed at 4:30 a.m. feeling full of energy and while I don't hate going to the gym and do feel GREAT afterwards, I'm not always loving the "during" part. I don't eat separate meals from the rest of the family either, I just eat less (and they are eating a helluva lot healthier).
So, while I can't relate totally to Meg's experience (boy do I ever admire her though!) I can certainly relate to ALL the benefits she mentioned (I'll never see a size 4, but I much prefer size 10 to 24) and you know I sat back there looking in, wanting to do it, thinking about doing it and half-heartedly trying to do it, only to give up time and time again before it finally took.
What made it "take"? What pulled my head out of the sand? Fear mostly. While I don't recommend fear as an incentive often, it sure worked for me. I honestly thought I was on the verge of a heart-attack when walking to meet a friend and her distress at seeing my distress led to her taking me by the hand to Weight Watchers (I know WW isn't everybody's choice, but its mine and is relevant to the story ;)
Someone brilliant at 3FC (I think it was Sheila) once talked about it not mattering how many attempts you make, its just the final one that matters...the one that works.
The Megs of the world found what it took to make that final attempt a success and she said it all. Habit. Routine. Changing your harmful old routines, the ones you do without even thinking, into good routines that YOU DO WITHOUT THINKING. There, doesn't that take a lot of the pressure off? Knowing that you'll just do it without thinking, without agonizing over it all. It'll just be the way Sandi lives. Period.
Granted, the first few weeks are all about willpower and plain hanging in there, ignoring the cravings and not letting yourself give up. I didn't find that part easy at all. In fact, it was very similar to the first few weeks of quitting smoking (and I truly believe overeating is a similar addiction). But, if you can make it through those first few weeks (and that's all it takes to start feeling better, notice a difference on the scale and define your mindset) then you're on your way.
Sure you'll have slips along the way. I never smoke a cigarette now, but I will overeat (okay binge) from time to time, but I ain't going back THERE sista!
Wow, what a windbag I am! xox
Ahhh, don't I know that feeling well!
First of all, the money. Shocking how quickly it really goes when you're keeping track, isn't it? Yikes! Damn money, nuttin' but trouble! Well, when I win the lottery (y'know, the one that doesn't even exist here in AR yet ;D) I'll hook you up sista!
Second, thank you for posting that fantastic reminder of Meg's about why we're truly doing this in the first place. While, like Jilly, I can't totally relate, she is absolutely right; being healthy just feels so damn good. Oh Sandi, if you only knew how much I look forward to you finding this out for yourself. I promise chica, one of these days you'll be kicking yourself asking why the hell you waited so long. The feeling Sandi, it's so worth all the blood sweat and tears. And it's something I need to continue to remind myself of each time I feel like saying to hell with it and giving into the junk monster.
Like I always say Sandi, your time is coming, I'm sure of it. So, how do you do it you ask? You just do, period. That life you covet is yours for the taking, you just have to decide how hard you're willing to work for it.
Love ya bunches!
Bev
So great to 'see' you again! :D Thanks for letting me know your new blog address, hon!
You had me tearing up at Meg's post. She is so inspirational to me...especially because she is so human and real, you know?
I can totally relate to the things you said about your health and the things she said. I take it for granted to run up and down the stairs with no problem...maybe a dull ache in my thighs if I had a hard workout at the gym that morning, but nothing like the fatigue, sweating, lack of breath, and exhaustion I'd have climbing them first thing in the morning at work when I was heavier. :( I hear you...but I know that it takes time to get to the point where you're ready. You'll get there, hon. I know it. When you put your mind to this, NO ONE will be able to stop you. No way, no how. But you have to get there first...and beating yourself up on the way there just makes it take longer. Trust me! ((((hugs)))) I think I went at least three years at the stage you're at before I gave in and did it. I love this quote by Anais Nin...I apply it to my situation right now, but it works perfectly for yours, too:
“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
When it's more painful to remain tight in your bud...you'll blossom. And I can't wait to see it! :)
Love what you do with the money now...I need to do that personally. DH is so much better with money and can handle credit and stuff. I just can't.
Sandy I thank you so much for posting this. I have saved this so I can reread and reread. I need to get motivated also. I do so well for a few weeks and then lose the ..... wish I knew. I so relate to you. Thanks Jilly for your wise words and of course yours Bev. I so admire you women who have done this. I want to want to join you! One day I too will join your ranks! Come on Sandy lets do it!
Yeah that money thing.... Not fun realizing it isn't there. Definitly life is more fun with funds!
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