339. I am back up this week. It really comes as no surprise. Even as early as Tuesday, the lbs that mysteriously crept off last week started creeping back on and nothing really changed. So as it stands, I have lost a whopping .2 lbs. Wooo Hooo!! NOT!!! But even as I face the reality of no progress, I still don't "feel like" counting calories. I know I said I was going to wait a month before calling that doctor, but I've changed my mind. I will grab the number tonight and call tomorrow. In a month, I won't feel like it either. And since I will be stepping up the exercise, now is the time!! :) Plus, I don't feel right about taking all this time away from my family, so that I can be at the gym and not be working on my diet too. This 12 weeks needs to be POWER WEEKS!!! :)
I have a lot of work to do internally too. I have been reading how your self-imagine has a lot to do with your success or lack of it. Well, I surprisingly think I have a lot of self-confidence and a good self imagine. Then as I was trying to pick out some clothes the other day, I caught myself saying "I hate myself". Where did that come from?!?!
I think I could easily go my whole life and not resolve this issue. As a matter of fact, I think I am shocking close to not even trying. And as I write that, I realize that I am not shocking close, I'm there. I am not trying. I guess what I should say is I am shockingly close to stopping the whole charade and not even act like I am trying anymore. Just saying, I am a 340 lb woman - love me. 20 years of dieting and exercise has zapped my "Let's do it!" attitude and I am sort of bored and feeling "whatever" about the whole thing. So that's why I am trying to put things into place that do not rely on my internal motivation, because there isn't any. I am forcing myself to do this one way or another. I can't be trusted to do this on my own. Because I won't. But I am hoping that if I can have some force-fed success that will be enough to get me going. :)
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4 comments:
Sandi, after reading this post I would say that you are prime candidate for weight loss surgery. I know none of us want to face the fact that we have to resort to surgery to solve this problem. Yes in the long run you also need to work on your head because you can gain the weight back but I would bet a million dollars that once you had the surgery and lost 50 lbs in 2 months you'd find that motivation again. It is so hard to get bogged down when we think we are doing a good job only to see that scale start climbing up again. Don't hate yourself, you are a wonderful person who is just in a bad place struggling to get out. Please seriously consider the surgery. There are bariatric docs who say that at some point really obese cannot lose the weight by conventional methods and surgery is the only solution. There are always going to be exceptions but I think that this is a valid point. Take care and try to stay positive! Also keep posting, don't give up on yourself, there are a lot of us who want to see you succeed!
Jen
Hmmm, can't say that I'd consider your current (and completely understandable) state of mind as what makes you a prime candidate for WLS. As we all well know, WLS ain't no walk in the park, and must be met with resolve and determination as with any goal you seek to achieve. That being said, I don’t think it disqualifies you either. This is just a decision (either for or against) that you’ll have to come to all on you own. When/if you’re ready for it, you’ll be 100% ready for it, period. So, for now, continue taking the guesswork out of it and just do what needs to be done. It doesn’t have to be profound and introspective, just let it be what it is. Hard, annoying, no freakin’ fun, and BORING! But oh so worth it! Hang in there hon, and get ready to kick some ass during your 12 power weeks! You’ll figure the rest out as it comes.
(((hugs)))
Bev
Whoa, you are not a 340lb (or 339lb) woman; you just happen to be one TODAY. And yes, we do love you. And we'll love you 12 POWER weeks from now and a year from now and so on. But I will not agree to you saying "Well, I'm bored, fed up and am going to let myself die", which, in effect is what you'd be saying if you ask yourself, us and everyone who cares about you to just accept that you're "done". Nope, sorry.
I can see you hating the situation you're in, but the Sandi I know could never hate herself. You just weren't yourself for a minute there. Frustration can do that.
Call the doctor, do your 12 week program (make sure your trainer knows you need to be pushed!) and if you truly feel you have to put yourself into the hands of others (for a while at least) then go ahead and do that, but don't you dare give up! Don't you dare! xox
Why I said I thought Sandi was a prime candidate for WLS is that she feels like she is in the position that she has tried everything and at this point nothing seems to be working for her to lose weight. I have heard bariatric docs say that short of starvation nothing will work for some people to lose weight. I don't know if I agree with that 100% but I think that it is probably true for some people. It feels to me that Sandi feels that whatever she tries isn't going to work and with WLS it will work, well it will work for awhile. You can't help but lose weight for a certain amount of time because if you eat too much you'll just vomit it all back up. I feel like Sandi sometime, all fired up about a new plan and then after it doesn't work or not working fast enough I lose my motivation and go back to all my bad behaviours. Like I've said before it can't hurt to get the ball rolling on the paperwork for WLS and she can always change her mind later if she decides it's not an option. It sounds like it usually takes 6 months to a year to get the insurance paperwork and all the other stuff in place so what would it hurt to get started now? Sandi, you can still do your 12 week program and I am certainly hoping that it will work but maybe starting the paperwork for WLS would give you a more positive attitude that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just my 2 cents.
Jen
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