Marty

Today I taught PowerPoint - Level 1 to 2 very nice men. They both work at the same company, so they know each other. When they came back from lunch I asked them where they went (the food HO that I am) and they said they had just eaten in their cars and Marty said that the other man was on a "starve yourself" diet. We laughed and I mentioned a man I knew once who drank diet coke all day and only ate dinner. He had a very high pressure position and didn't feel like he wanted to waste his time eating. Marty laughed and said "what this man didn't realize was that if he ate well and took care of himself that he could do his job better and maybe even in less time". Now to look at Marty, he is a very fit and muscular man. Not overly so or anything, but very fit. You can tell he takes care of himself. His clothes fit him nicely and he has a nice shape to him. What really strikes me is how positively I think of him. Now he is very nice and that factors into it too, but I can help but think that his being fit factors into it too. And although it may seem obvious I can't help but think about what he said. "if he ate well and took care of himself that he could do his job better and maybe even in less time". It made me think about how hard and how much of a struggle things are for me on a daily basis. If I am in the living room and Jacob is upstairs and he wants me to come look at something, its like "Uh, OK, be right there" But I am dreading having to carry myself up those stairs. What would my daily life feel like 200 lbs lighter? This kind of goes back to my post by Meg a few days ago.

It also really got me to thinking about what people think of me. I know I am well liked - this isn't a pity party. But what do they think of me? How am I perceived? Not very many people can meet someone 335 lbs and not judge them. And just like Marty being so fit makes me like him...is it like...is it respect...I don't know. But does my being so heavy have the reverse effect?? I know that once people get to know me the walls come down, but is there still some part that thinks "girl, lose some weight!!" I am sure there is.

I guess this just really got me thinking about my quality of life. I want to feel great, I want to be able to do a million little things with ease. I want to be able to do really hard stuff and be able to do it. And I want people to think well of me, on their first impression.

I was looking at a clothes magazine today and there was this outfit - nothing special, just jeans, a white T-shirt and a button down sweater, but it was soooo me. The old me. Nothing the current me could even consider.

I need to change. I will change. I am changing.